No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
