I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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