i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
