The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We left an ass print on the piano.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
