You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
