I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
