Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
