grandma shit on top of the toilet
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
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