dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
