in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
