ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
