I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
