So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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