my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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