I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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