In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
