walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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