she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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