She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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