I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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