I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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