I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
