What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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