Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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