i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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