end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
