Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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