No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
