During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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