I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
