We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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