I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
