I hate your face
I can text with my tongue
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
