Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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