At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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