Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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