My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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