peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I should be sponsored by Trojan
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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