BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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