I cockslap morals
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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