He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
