The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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