anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
