You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
