Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
