One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
