somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
