it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
