you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
