Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
