just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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