Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
