Christians are straight up FREAKS
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
