I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
